cinderboy

this is what happens when you get drunk and open the flood gates...

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 10:58:20 GMT

To be a cynic and find out the one thing that I feared that I believed could not exist and appears on a silver platter in front of me to feast to feed the beast within to love the horrid word the horrid concept that I could have myself stolen from me and allow it to be held in the palm on the scale of another to out weigh reason to out weigh anything that could be failing falling slipping away an orphan in my own rite to be standing in a moment that in another moment would be the past irrevocable a time a slice a grain of rice amongst a sea of something of salt to dry to moisten and be eaten and left to die somewhere to join a child with a dead mother a dying father a selfish brother to be nothing more than one fish in the sea to be heard to redeem myself for all the hurt the pain the tears the knee high shit in the unfair world I move I stand proud and scream allowed this is what it means to be human THIS is what it means to be alive to take what is easy for granted to take what is hard and make it easy and take it for granted to know that everyone represses to know that everyone is god and judges and will be judged it’s human nature to lie to feel guilt to be wrecked trashed kicked rolled and pried to fall and be rebuilt this is the way it is to see past what is really there 99% of life is illusion perception a label to define what we can’t comprehend a story with no end it is all what we take from it what we take a piece of painted porcelain, a lonely poet with nothing and everything to rejoice or wallow in sadness to rejoice scream cry pine whine justify shine live and die in words.

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 18:54:37 GMT

i've been reminded that when it rains it pours...

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 06:41:28 GMT

Once upon a time...yeah i know, it's been awhile since i wrote in this thing, but I have a lot going on right now, so FUCK OFF! lol. (terms of endearment...really...haha) Well, last week i had a wonderful time with Rachel at McGraths. i have a lot on my mind right now, and a lot of changes and decisions ahead of me. Thank you so much Rachel for lending an ear. I don't say this enough to the people that mean so much to me, but i really do love you all, and your friendship is truly cherished. i'm still in hibernation...it's a bittersweet situation. When I take away the familiar setting, and deal only with the unfamiliar, it's a frightening experience. However, being in a transitional place in my life right now, it is needed. I am very torn mentally right now on what to do, or where to go, but at least i am going to end up with change, and that will be a good thing...

Porcelain morning star
bundled in guilt
feels robbed of its own wishes
too long the one wished upon
now heavy, it ponders falling
garbed in illusion
it buries itself like a carnival goldfish
masking its glow and devious grin
"my bitterness is still sweeter than what lies beneath me."
-m.p.z-

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 03:38:43 GMT

So it's been awhile since I last updated this damn thing...i had to gather some thoughts. Over the past fews weeks, I broke things off with SM. Contrary to everyone else's opinion, he was not the one for me. I would love to continue a friendship with him, but for many personal reasons, cannot have a relationship with him. i haven't been to stallions in a few weeks, and it has been such a wonderful break from the drama and negativity. i have deemed 2006 the year for motivation. it's my time to be happy and stop wasting my time surrounding myself with negative things, and focusing on the negative things. joe has always said to me that "life is what you make it," and how true. i am 22, almost 23 years old, i can't be one of those people who just sit back and wait for good things to happen. i want to be one of those people who has a positive outlook on life, b/c when you have a positive outlook and you're happy, then good things WILL happen. i always felt that I was stuck in a hole in life, realistically looking at that statement it was just an excuse. When i say "i'm stuck in a hole in life," i'm really saying "hey, i'm going to add to the negativity, and continue to loathe in my self pity because i'm sad and life sucks and i'm just not motivated to do anything about it." WELL FUCK THAT! I'm not dead, i don't want to be in a hole, and i'm tired of sitting on my ass bitching about life. i don't want to go through life that way. yes, some things in life are hard, and some things in life just suck, but that's just the way that it is. I can't go through life worried about what's going to happen. Those are mostly things that I have no control over anyway. new year's eve this year, i made the decision that I wanted more out of life. i wanted to clean the slate and create my happiness, and these past few weeks have been amazing. i have wiped my slate clean and I have no regrets about what has happened recently. I do not regret breaking up with SM, I do not regret no longer being employed at the Baymont, etc. Everything happens for a reason, and it's not my place to question that. it is what it is. i know that the people who know me, may or may not understand all or any of this. just know that I'm doing well, and that i have stepped back to see a much bigger picture. i've made some big decisions recently, but breakin it down and workin it out. i love you all and I'll talk to ya soon. I'm hibernating for a little bit of time, but I'll appear here and there. Xo

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 23:07:41 GMT

Yesterday afternoon I arrived "home" to find out that my step sister and step mother had to call the paramedics for my dad again yesterday morning. Apparently my dad went up to lay down b/c he was not feeling well, and he told my step mother to check on him every so often to make sure that he was ok, well my step mother and step sister then decide to leave the house for an hour and a half. When they return, they discover my father in diabetic shock once again,having seizures. That's when they called the paramedics. They have no clue how long my father was unconscious. This entire situation is very upsetting and stressful, and to be quite honest I am extremely scared right now.

When my mother died in 1996, I didn't know what to expect, I never feared what was going to happen. My mother's death was a horrible surprise;an emotional rape. With my mother's death came knowledge. It was learning life's secrets, and you can't pass those secrets on. They sit in my mind like a violent Monarch. I know that I can't live my life in fear.I understand that the people I love are going to die at some point. That's the way that it is. I'm at a point where I am seeing my father's fear, and that gnaws at my being. It haunts me. It stabs at me. A constant mind murder. To witness something as powerful as fear in it's raw form.

I can't begin to describe what is going through my mind right now. It's gut wrenching. Like swallowing pins. And I can't lie and say that i'm hopeful, because I'm not. And I can't lie and say that my father is ok, because he's not. However, I'll lie to everyone else about how I am, because I am fine, and everything is ok, and I am feeling good today...

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 10:36:23 GMT

the paramedics just left my house a little while ago. my dad went into diabetic shock while he was sleeping and started to convulse. I of course, heard what was going on and jumped out of bed to go help, since my step mother and sister are fuckin idiots when it comes to my father's health. Like if my dad is having seizures and is unresponsive, I shouldn't have to tell them to call the paramedics. It's common fucking sense! Everytime this happens I question what would happen if I wasn't here. I don't trust my step "family" when it comes to my father's health. Once again, I try to remain strong for my father's sake, and that's getting harder and harder to do. My dad's back up and walking around, so he should be ok. Well i have to eat some breakfast myself and eventually get ready for work...

not much to say but i have something to rant about...

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 23:50:15 GMT

Not much is going on right now, well nothing exciting anyway...
So, I go out to Stallions last night for karaoke, which is the tradition for a wednesday night, and it's packed (YAY MONICA) and i run into Dave "dickson." Well we say our hellos and blah blah, and apparently there were some queens there as boys from north carolina, who seemed nice. Instantly, dave dickson starts running his mouth about how he's going to win Miss Gay PA America this year, and his package is going to be fabulous, and blah blah fucking blah. This is his normal nature, and from someone who always stated not to "get lost in the sauce," he's managed to cook out all of his flavor, and now just leaves a bitter aftertaste. But he looks at me and says "I'm winning this year because my grandmother just died and in her will it states that she left me $10,000 to specifically use on drag..." Ok there's a few things wrong with this statement. 1. Who would actually put a clause in their will stating that there's $10,000 to be used only on drag? 2.Who brags about that? Hey my grandmother is dead now so I can be Miss Gay Pennsylvania America 2007, WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT?? and 3. It's a damn shame that Miss David Dickson can't see anything outside of his character. Yes drag can become a large part of your schedule at times, but I'll be damned if I'm going to put my family, life, work, etc. below drag on my priority list. I'm sorry putting on a dress, big hair and heels doesn't get me ahead in life or pay my bills. You can't put "drag queen" on a resume. I do drag because it's fun, twisted entertainment and gives you an opportunity to do benefit work. Drag is not my life. I would rather reach my goals, knowing that I had a strong foundation to stand on, and didn't have to step on anyone to get there, and win a pageant because I put hard work and effort into reaching my goal; then to be a petty drag queen/person who feels the need to make everything a competition b/c they are not secure with themselves,lie about everything, brag b/c their grandmother died and left them money, and become a frigid character, with no human emotion or tact.

Jo seester, I told jew i vas puertorican dutch...

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 22:21:47 GMT

You Failed the US Citizenship Test

Oops, you only got 5 out of 10 right!

Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

Mon, 26 Dec 2005 21:21:22 GMT

Surprisingly enough, Christmas was actually good this year. I really had a wonderful time with my family, and once my step mother and step sister left the house, it gave my dad and I time to sit and chat, and spend some time together. The best thing that I got for Christmas this year was the memories. I also learned just how materialistic my step sisters are. It's ridiculous. They're people who will go through their entire life never realizing anything outside of the pretend "world" they know, and I guess for them it works not having aspirations or dreams or goals, but from my perpective, it's pretty fucking sad. it was such a busy day for me though, and then I ended up at SM's, and then Stallions. I was all smiles, all day! Although, there is one thing that I feel really bad about. Rachel and Monica invited me over for dinner, and I couldn't make it because of visiting other family. Whether, she knows it or not, Monica was really one of my saving graces for Chistmas. She made me realize so many things, and think about so many things, and all she had to do was make a few short statements. I love how she can do that. I guess she just understands certain things about me that most people don't get, and there are times when she sees something to me, that I don't even realize. I'm still thinking about my new years resolution(s). I guess I have about a week to think of some...

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 05:05:49 GMT

So I did all of my Xmas shopping today, and actually had a good time! During the 7 hour reign as the last minute shopping queen, I smiled and actually meant it, I wasn't impatient or bitchy, AND I actually wished people good tidings of joy and MEANT IT! It was certainly a good day. Have you ever been out somewhere and just randomly spoke to a stranger and they end up saying something that really makes you think? that happened to me all day. I am actually really looking forward to Christmas this year. Well I think I'll leave it at that for now. I think I'm gunna make some Chicken and then wrap gifts and I still have to illuminate and decorate the tree, oh shit and fill out xmas cards, and sleep at some point before i have to be at work at 7am...lol. HA!

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 01:24:52 GMT

I run in circles around the dawn
sky births truth in fragile pastels,
not fitting to this metal.
Define the lies,
that are truths denied a chance to breathe.
They too, drown in the mirror pool of ice
that also feels the frigid lips
tasting the rust of the new day

M.Zimmerman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I'm feeling a little less bitter today about the holidays. I want things to be good this year. With my father's health the way that it is, i want to build some great memories this Christmas. Of course, coming out a few years ago to my dad on Christmas Day has become quite the memory for me. lol. It's still really upsetting that even around the holidays we can't function as a family. (the step "family" and my father, brother and I.) I think that we've all tried, at some point or another, to create a bond, but all attempts have failed. I tolerate them for the sake of my father, and I still question what he saw in my step mother. Quite honestly I feel that he saw an opportunity to better our lives (ie: a house, yard, etc.) I could be wrong, but that is my theory.
I think that I have Thanksgiving and Christmas backwards. Christmas seems to be the time I sit and think about everything that I am thankful for. Not in a materialistic way, just a time to sit back and reflect on memories and people in my life. It's been tradition on Christmas Eve to sit up late at night after everyone else goes to bed and stare at the tree and just think. I always look forward to this time. I could really use some quiet reflection right now. Just take a few moments of me time.
So I had a friend of mine make the comment the other day that I seemed out of it lately, and that I was distant and pushing people away. Hearing that made me stop and think about it. When I feel the need to, I do hide a bit, but anyone who truly knows me knows that about me. I know I haven't been going to Stallions as much, but I don't think I've been pushing anyone away from me. I have been a little quiet and moody lately, but I'm allowed to damn it! lol. I think people tend to be concerned when I'm not myself, and I guess some people just see me as being a rock in life. The strong one, the person who gives advice, the person who is always there to lend an ear, and help out in anyway that I can, and I think they often times forget that I am still human. Even the strongest rocks in nature, still have to deal with the weather.

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 00:33:47 GMT

Take the quiz:
If You Were in Rent, Who Would You Be?

Mimi
You're Mimi! You're a bit of a whore, but that's really only a mask you want others to see. In reality you are commited but easily scare yourself with thoughts of the future. Trust your body and heart, they will lead you to the person you were meant to be with.

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

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Wed, 21 Dec 2005 23:48:38 GMT

You Are 60% Boyish and 40% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Wed, 21 Dec 2005 23:24:42 GMT

This whole relationship thing with SM is odd. I read him my livejournal entries last night, and instantly he was pissed off, which I figured would happen. However, I thought that if I was writing about him, I should be fair and tell him about the postings. After completely twisting my words around to draw his own conclusions, I literally broke everything down phrase by phrase and explained myself. The strange thing is that he's just as frustrated as I am with this whole thing. He doesn't understand me, and instead of admitting that he doesn't understand me and asking questions, he responds with an "I don't know." I asked him if he would like it if I showed him my entries and discussed them with him, or if he would like to hear about them from other people who are more than likely misunderstanding what I am saying. He had no response. I told him that I'm not apologizing for what I wrote. This is the way I feel, this is the way it came out, and this is my truth. The truth hurts, and I'm sorry I would rather be completely honest with someone than let them assume everything's perfect. I'm not saying that things are bad with SM at all. I do care for him, and I do enjoy hanging out with him, but there are going to be things that I don't like, things that I am annoyed by, etc. That's the way it is! In any relationship, there are going to be things that you don't not like, but you accept them. There will be things that you must compromise on. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. I am actually extremely proud of myself for not allowing myself to fall into a fantasy again while dating someone. Too many times before, I had it all planned out in my head that i was going to move in with him, and we'd cook for one another, and always hold one another, and meet the family, and have the perfect gay marriage. Needless to say that didn't work out so well for me.I am a very emotional person, though i choose to hide it well. Maybe I am being a little too hard ass about this one, but if I'm going to be in a relationship, I want to do it the "right way." I don't want to think i'm falling for someone, and then 6 months down the line realize that things aren't working out. It's not fair to SM or myself to end up getting hurt that way. is there a such thing as being too honest? Obviously I realize that there's a thing called tact, but I've witnessed how people react to truth, and I've witnessed how people react when it's not the truth, and often times there's not really a difference between the two. anyway we sat and spoke about everything, then said goodnight.
Isn't it disturbing that one simple thing can hold so many thoughts and memories? I put off putting up the christmas tree every year b/c most of the ornaments were my mothers. It's like looking at my childhood reflected on a brightly painted glass ball, and then I'll stare at the angel she bought to hang on the tree in 1996, the christmas that she didn't get to see. It's rough this time of year, but it's always nice to go back and revisit the memories. I don't know why I am so bitter about the holidays this year. It could just be be a scapegoat, a Grinch moment. I'll be really bitter until the day comes and then I'll be all happy. I just hope that I enjoy Christmas a little more this year than last.

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Wed, 21 Dec 2005 03:37:43 GMT

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.

You give and take equally in relationships.

You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

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Wed, 21 Dec 2005 03:27:55 GMT

How You Life Your Life

You are honest and direct. You tell it like it is.
You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.
You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly.
You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

The storm before the calm...AKA What the fuck just happened?

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 23:41:42 GMT

Why is it that around the holidays everyone is your friend, and wishing you greetings of joy and wishing you warm happy dream come trues and blah blah blah bullshit? Bastards! If I didn't like you before, or you didn't like me before than why even bother? Fuck off! Ugh, and holiday parties...I went with SM to his holiday work party the other night, and on top of having to meet 50 people that i'll never remember ( stop, pause, shake hand, smile, it's a pleasure to meet you... BLAH!) I found myself standing in the midst of high school girls that couldn't walk in heels, with their tits flopped out everywhere, and makeup that looked like a 5 year old's paint by number. My initial reaction was, "Who do I see to get a cocktail, and where are the cookies?" That was enough to inspire me to skip my own work holiday party. Which brings me to the topic of work.
I am really thinking about cutting back to part time at the hotel and finding a serving job part time. I think it would be wise on my part. I really need to start saving money because I know that if anything serious happened to my dad, i'd have to be out of the step-house within 30 days. So I'm trying to save up and skip that situation. I would rather not have to deal with that because it wouldn't be pretty.
So i honestly think that I am sorta crazy, but it keeps me busy...lol. my new fun thing is to try and break down the patterns of my compulsive thinking thing that i do. I finally was able to get some of it out on paper, maybe I can follow it better that way.
VOICE OF REASON: You're not sad or angry, you're motivated. With motivation comes frustration. Keep moving forward and you'll reach your destination, and things will naturally happen. To rebuild something, you must first break it down.
VOICE OF REALISM: You're stuck in a dead end job. You will never be able to save money while working there, therefore not allowing you to advance to the things that you want. Your step "family" hates you and your father is sick. You are a little freaked out because of taking care of him with certain things. The roles are reversed. Plan for the worst because getting high hopes will only cause you disappointment when it doesn't happen the way you want it to. Everything with SM complicates everything, yet you continue to keep the tie because there could be potential, and at this point your heart isn't on the line.
VOICE OF INSANITY: Life Sucks! People are vultures that constantly want to break you down and steal your porcelain entrails. Love will never happen because you will never understand it the way that others do, and others will never understand things from your view. You are damned to a life of art, a pen and paper, and a bottomless cup of coffee. These artistic freedoms are also chains.
VOICE OF TRUTH: You're a procrastinator. There's a fine line between being laid back, and being lazy. You're afraid of change, of life, of death. You're afraid of truth because it is the one thing that you cannot completely conceal from others.
VOICE OF FANTASY: You compare yourself to Cinderella. The strongwilled cindergirl that is nothing more than a fairytale that lends similarities to your life. The words of that fairytale are not yours, write your own! You control your happiness, FIND IT!
VOICE OF LOVE: Love is an understanding, NOT something concrete. It is something that you build and create;something you mold. Anything can evoke an emotion, and love can never be defined. it has no words, no shape, no texture, and if it did they'd be selling it on every shelf of Target. You say that you don't believe in love in the stereotypical form, what you have started to create could be sweet lemons. Your heart still remains black with a silver lining.
VOICE OF MOM: I love you. You're destined for great things.
VOICE OF DAD: I love you. Thanks. Can you help me with this, my vision is really blurry today.drive safely.
VOICE OF THE BOSS: I'm sorry I can't give you a raise because you wear earrings and don't have huge tits, but ghetto trash will advance to go and collect $200.00 because she lies, steals, and is shady, but has the junk in the trunk right next to the crow bar she used to rob the liquor store last week.
VOICE OF THE STEP MOTHER: You are the reason your father is sick because you'll never be anything more than a scapegoat, i mean fag, and I never accepted you because after all who could love a pebble in their shoe.
VOICE: "I wonder sometimes if I really am crazy, though most of the voices in my head are my own"

{SIGH}

A new holiday, or just another rant?

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 18:47:34 GMT

Can we just please make another holiday called "FUCK-YOU," so I can wish people a HAPPY FUCK YOU!, or smile and say "THANKS! MERRY FUCK YOU TOO!" and this is my message to the outside world today.{sigh}

my first entry

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 00:25:27 GMT

i can't believe another year is almost over! A lot has happened over the last year,yet I feel that I've accomplished next to nothing. I have however learned a lot about myself; strengths, weaknesses, how much I'm liked, how much i'm hated, etc. I've always has issues with motivation, but i think I'm finally getting over that. It's the greatest feeling standing up and saying " FUCK YOU! I HAVE WORTH AND I DESERVE MORE!" Most people deserve more, but i've figured out that it's the way you intend to get more that matters.
There is so much going on right now in life. My top concern is my father. This was a rough year with his health, and there were a few times that I didn't think he was going to make it. I still fear that this past year was the beginning of the end. I am being realistic about the situation. I watched my mother's fight with cancer for eight years before she died, and I'm trying to prepare myself for something similar with my father with his complications with his Diabetes. I know that when that day comes, my world will shake, crack, spin, turn upside, and balance out just as it did with my mother. It's not a matter of IF I can handle going through it again, it's a waiting game of WHEN i'll have to go through it again.
Next topic...I've seemed to have hit a personal Renaissance again. These past few months have been hard on me, and I've faced and let go of many illusions in my life. I know that no matter how hard i try to be part of my step family, it will never happen. No matter how much i want something, it will never happen without effort and motivation on my part. Life will never be anything but what I make it. I've wasted too much time and energy going nowhere in life, and it's time for me to step up, take control, and get myself moving forward. I have too much potential and talent to continue sitting back, watching oppurtunity go by like a speeding train. I'm making plans to go back to college. My dad is going to pay for college for me, and I am so thankful for that. He has been a large part of my motivation recently, and for once in my life, i honestly believe that he is proud of me.
Another thing that I've had to adjust to is my best friend joe moving further away. We haven't had a lot of time to talk to one another, or hang out like we used to, and I've really missed that. He is one of the greatest people that I've ever met, and I am fortunate to have a best friend like him. It seriously hurts me a lot knowing that he has been struggling with so much in life, and I wish I could do more for him b/c I want to see him happy. Like most great people in my life, i forget to thank him for everything and tell him how much I care.
On top of everything else that's going on, i am finding it hard to focus on developing a relationship with "SM." He always thinks that something is wrong, and I can't make him understand that I just have a lot of things going on right now, and I can't give him 110%. I mean is that wrong of me? I do think that he is a good guy, and he cares for me a lot, and I can see a lot of potential there, but I'm not the type of person that wants someone to be codependent, clingy, parental like, etc. I know that he says certain things and worries about me b/c he cares, but at the same time, i find it annoying being asked questions like "what did you eat today and how much." I'm sorry that offends me and pisses me off. I've never wanted a relationship like that. I want to hang out with my friends, i want him to hang out with his friends, i want my space, he should have his, i want to do my thing, and he should have his thing, and then we share that common time together. I like spending time with "SM" don't get me wrong, but i'm not ready to have that "living together feeling." I'm not a fan of white picket fences or china. I am very bitter when it comes to stuff like this, and that's ok, that works for me, and I'm working on sorting through that, but it's not going to happen overnight or anytime soon. I am almost bothered by the fact that i feel sometimes that i am wasting his time because we were running on the same path, and i stopped for a cigarette break while he kept running. Truth is, i'm not where he is with this relationship at all. There are a lot of things that just aren't there for me at this moment, will it happen in the future I have no clue. Is this the right thing at the wrong time? or the right time for the wrong thing? or is this just the right time for the wrong confusion...This whole situation frustrates me...well i think that covers most of it...
ps- my job sucks! lol